Your Teen's Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

Topic Overview

Teens want an answer to the eternal question, "Who am I?" Part of the answer lies in their sexual self. The teen years can be a confusing time. Hormones, cultural and peer pressures, and fear of being different can cause many teens to question themselves in many areas, including their sexual orientation and gender identity.

Sexual orientation

Sexual orientation is how you are attracted romantically and sexually to other people. For example, a person may be:

• Heterosexual-attracted only or almost only to the other binary (male/female) gender.
• Gay-attracted only or almost only to those of the same gender.
• Bisexual-attracted both to people of their own binary gender and to those of the other binary gender.
• Pansexual-attracted to those of any gender.
• Asexual-not sexually attracted to any gender. This is different from deciding not to have sex with anyone (abstinence or celibacy).

Many people first become aware of their sexual orientation during the preteen and teen years.

During the teen years, same-sex crushes and sexual experiments are common. These early experiences do not always mean that a teen will be gay, lesbian, or bisexual as an adult.

For some teens, same-sex attractions do not fade. They grow stronger.

Gender identity

Gender identity is your inner sense of being male, female, both, neither, or some other gender. For some people, their gender identity does not match the sex that they were assigned at birth. People who feel this way often refer to themselves as "transgender."

Children form their gender identity early. Most children believe firmly by the age of 3 that they are either a girl or a boy.

The feeling that something is different may begin early in life. Many transgender adults remember feeling a difference between their bodies and what they felt inside at a young age. Others did not feel this way until later in life.

Love and support are key

Many parents have a hard time accepting that their child is gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. Even if you are struggling, remember that it's important to show unconditional love to your child.

Teens who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender sometimes don't reveal their sexual orientation or gender identity for a long time. They may be afraid of what their friends, family, and others will say and do. They can feel relief when they come out to their family and friends and find love, support, and acceptance.

Your teen can be emotionally healthy and happy regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. When teens have problems, it usually isn't because of their orientation or gender identity. It's usually because of a lack of support from the people they love or because they have been ridiculed, rejected, or harassed. Young people who are gay, bisexual, or transgender are at risk for:

• Being shamed by society (social stigma).
• Being shut out or excluded by peers or family members.
• Depression.
• Suicide.

If you or other family members are having a hard time accepting your child's sexual orientation or gender identity, organizations such as Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) may be helpful. You can find a list of other useful groups on their website at www.pflag.org.